Starting Out with Nonviolent Communication (NVC): Experiences, Reactions and The Process

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[This post is a followup to the monthly A Living Family NVC Community Call for March. Each of these calls covers a chapter of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life and allows community members to connect, share and get support. If you want to get notifications and call in details for those free calls, quickly sign up at this link.]

imgresStarting out with NVC, there are some common “curves” to the learning:

  • The language and expression feels unfamiliar.
  • Other people’s reactions and responses can be surprisingly different than anticipated.
  • The process takes time, for everyone.

Keep the Long Term Goal in Mind

It is easy to get frustrated with “not being able to talk,” which really means that we are frustrated because we don’t want to talk the way we used to and we are unsure how we wish to talk moving forward as we try out this new way.

When I see, say or do something that is not alignment with my beliefs, values and True Self,  I want to get the info and tools I need and fix the problem, NOW. I want the issue done and over with. Solved.

I sense that many of us, wish we could grab a quick fix and make the problem go away.

In the heat and pain of the moment, would consider cutting out that chunk of ourselves and send it away, get rid of the anger and the hurt and the sadness. Indeed, we work hard, sometimes unconsciously, to shut things away and keep a lid on things. That is not actually a problem solved then, is it….

Nonviolent Communication helps us to remain solution-focused, keeping us focused on what is alive within us, training us towards the compassionate humanity within each of us, moving us towards connection with ourselves and others.

Nurturing this connection is the long term goal.

Allow the Process to Unfold

Life has a way of seeping and simmering.

Life unfolds in its own time and so does NVC. There are layers to our reality, our needs, our Self. Once we feel and tire of that sharp pain we begin to recognize we are not in it for the short game. We make a commitment and work hard to maintain that commitment and meet the long term goal of nurturing connection.

Remember the NVC Process takes time, for everyone. 

We may find ourselves frustrated that it takes us a while to connect with our feelings and needs. We may feel angered and discouraged when someone we are talking with says something about us taking a long time, speaking funny or testing out a new tool.

We need time to work through and get to the root of life within us. We need time to nurture the seed of peace in our hearts.

We need time to integrate all the pieces of ourselves, because all those angry, stuck, hurt places are also the place where we carry our creativity and insight and trust and wisdom.

It’ true starting out with NVC (in our personal lives, not just “wearing a hat”) is not something to take lightly or something that may come naturally.

It does take focus and effort and commitment, and it takes a willingness to acknowledge and choose.

But, wow, what waits for us each time we say Yes to doing this work — as a parents, a partners, a people…

We are filled with connection, trust, safety, joy, love and peace.

That is my purpose and why I do this work: To sprout peace on the planet, one heart at a time….starting with my own.

***

Read more on these points and Chapter 1 from Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg.

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Make a commitment to a deep, integrated and ongoing practice.

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