Mothers’ Guilt? Mothers’ Shame…

When you become a mother…

People look at you–your pregnant belly or arms full with child–and say, “Isn’t it amazing?! Aren’t you overflowing with joy and happiness?!?”

Then when you’ve had the roughest night, followed by the longest morning where you discover there isn’t enough food in the house, rushing to the store with your kids, who are having a difficult time just getting out the door. And when you’ve finally managed to grab all the things you need and are finally standing in line to check out, a well-meaning older woman–nostalgic for her own days of early motherhood–says to this mother who she sees is on the edge: “Make sure you enjoy every minute because time goes by so fast.”

Imagine the guilt that can arise for this mother.

Through my own personal experience, research, and my work with other mothers, I am quite familiar with the guilt mothers feel.

“I don’t play with my kids the way I should.”
“I have to stop yelling.”
“I can’t keep up with housework.”
“I argue with my partner more easily than I appreciate him [or her].”
“Someone said they were upset that I…”
“I just can’t get it all done…”

I hear people comforting these moms, saying: “No, no dearie, you’re a great mom…”
I see the pain in these mothers’ hearts remain, despite the polite smiles on their faces.

These moms tell me: “I feel guilty”…

“I feel guilty that I didn’t eat right and do yoga the way I did with my first pregnancy.”
“I feel guilty that I have moments when I do not want to be around my kids.”
“I feel guilty that I went out with my friends for three hours, leaving my kids with their dad.”

Here’s the thing:

When you think of all the things you aren’t doing right–eating well, exercising, keeping the house clean, calmly parenting your kids, and clearly connecting with your partner–it’s easy to have that feeling of overwhelm and those flashes of rage that wreak havoc on your heart, mind, and body. You’re up at night, exhausted and mind still rolling through all the mistakes you made and the ways you hurt your kids or let the house go. That’s when you’ve moved beyond guilt , now wading deep in shame.

Just this past week, while sharing the tools of NVC and the Birth Art Process, I had mothers tell me things such as the above, the hurt in their hearts palpable to me, the pain threatening to tear them apart and dig them deeper into a stuck place. That powerlessness. That helplessness. That hopelessness. The rage. The fear. The anxiety. Worry and grief….

I know this place. I have been in this place.

I am now a guide through this place that we choose not to talk about…

I looked at these mothers and did that most taboo thing: I named their shame.

“I hear your shame and your pain.”
I see the relief, visible on the body of one mother with her pregnant belly.
I feel the relief, tangible in the words of another mother, from “saying it out loud.”

I know–deeply–from personal and professional experience that flood of relief and the unconstricted movement towards healing and wholeness that happens from being seen in raw imperfection, and yet still held in compassion, non-judgment, and empathy.

We tell mothers to enjoy–to be happy–when the very journey through their personal rites of passage leads them through some of the hardest moments of their lives, when what they really need is to feel fully all they are experiencing, to connect clearly to their personal intuition, power, and wisdom. This is birth beyond the baby. This is motherhood.

Shame drives us to distance ourselves from this experience, to shy away from imperfection and risk, to stay in comfort and predictability….and to ask our children to do the same. Shame causes the heat to rise and the mind to narrow and the conscious self to disconnect. It is not only mother’s guilt that we feel, it is shame.

Why is this important? Why do I go out of my way to name shame when I see it in myself or others? Why have I built an entire program around creating space, support, rhythms, and rituals for shifting shame and nurturing you?

Naming shame–the taboo topic of motherhood–means that mothers can get support, take care of themselves, loving and giving in more abundant ways. All the energy that goes into feeling shame can go towards all that you care about: your values, your vision, your family, your life.

You can enjoy mothering and life. You can feel appreciation. You can feel happy.

This can happen in a safe, compassionate space of community and connection, something I know is true because I created my Nurturing You program from my own experience of transformation.

Here’s something else I know: You matter.

Your efforts matter. Every mother who has gone through my Nurturing You program–which includes resources, reflection, and re-wiring exercises–experienced shifts on a profound and meaningful level.

And now I’m opening up the Nurturing You program to give mothers a taste of the program, so they can walk away with concrete insights about nurturing themselves with doable action steps that can be taken now around personal self care rituals and rhythms.

I invite you to join me, hardworking mama, to get some nourishment just for you.

Click here to read more about this unique and powerful program specially designed for the personal transformation and the self-empowerment of mothers.

I am thrilled to share this life-changing program with you!

For now, I want to leave you with A Living Family mantra: You are enough, exactly as you are.