How Can I Get My Child to Listen and Cooperate?

For many reasons, my 3.5 yo has been having big feelings that lead to, “No. I don’t want to listen. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to go anywhere.”

Even if we are going to the park or going to do something she wants to do. It usually happens because she’s sad or frustrated or feeling disconnected herself. Most often, I have said something or done something that asks her not do what she wants to do. Sometimes it’s a struggle.

I tell you what, though. Seeing my parents and their style of discipline gave me insights into what I might have experienced as a child. Put together with my own memories and my persistent efforts with Nonviolent Communication (NVC), my mind and heart have burst wide open with my daughter. I have been working harder than ever to find the words to express my feelings and needs.

Wow, is it hard sometimes…But then there are days like today.

The other day, my daughter (with my mom witnessing) turned a sippy cup upside down (with the raw milk from that awesome grassfed dairy farm we visited) and splashed milk on the seat right after I had just said “I feel worried that the car will get sticky and messy. Can you please hold it upright or give it to me?” She said “No, I don’t want to!” and dumped it upside down.

Now this would have upset me any time, most likely, but I was even more triggered with my mom there after a conversation in which she said my daughter is acting out more and needs to learn and needs to listen (and she offered school as a solution to help her learn that she is not the center of the universe). I struggled to stay connected with her when everything in me wanted to break away and blame her for making me upset and angry and messing up the car.

I sat there silently connecting with myself, searching for my feelings and needs.

I said to her, “I feel frustrated when you turned the cup upside down after I told you I felt worried about keeping the car safe and clean because I need to feel heard.”

Then we talked about what “feeling heard” means, that it means someone is listening and working to understand. I told her that it’s ok if she doesn’t like my solution but that she can tell me her solution. I told her that I want to find a solution that works for both of us. “A solution we both like,” I explained.

I was still frustrated but felt like I was getting closer to what I was really needing: Cooperation and Connection.

By this point, she had turned the cup right side up for some time. I told her, “I do notice, though, that you have help the cup upright since I told you I was feeling frustrated after I was feeling worried. I feel grateful for that.”

***FLASH FORWARD***

She had raised her volume over me to say, “I don’t want to listen!!!” in a sing songy voice while I was telling her my feelings and needs. I stopped talking. Working, again, to stay connected by connecting to myself.

She climbed down off the chair, came over and climbed in my lap hugging me. We hugged close, this child of mine who has been pulling away since in the womb. (She would punch me and swim away when I put my hand on her sticking out parts I could locate and touch.)

I felt divine, holding my nearly 3.5 foot baby so connected and close.

Later when she woke up from her nap, I had to idea to nurse her, which I rarely offer to do because of aversion. I nursed her for a long time on both sides while we talked about how she used to get milkies like this when she was a baby. She nodded that she remembered. And she remembered when I used to sing Baby Beluga to her one time through before making her unlatch. And she remembered when the milk stopped coming. And she remembered crying.

And we remembered those hard moments together, holding each other.

All of this shift towards trust and connection, I believe, came from that moment in the car where I felt that she truly heard me. In that moment, we found that we can trust each other to listen. This is so important to me.

In fact, over the next few days she showed me with her actions that she heard me by checking in with me, sharing her feelings and needs, and working with me to find a solution that works for both of us. (“Yes, you can cross the street without holding my hand if you are willing to stay close to me.” … The other part is that she needs to tell me she wants to cross the street first.)

When we can talk and work through tough moments and feel close, I feel deeply connected to, full of trust for and in love with my children.

More. Like. This. Please.

~sheila