What’s the #1 Block to Connected Communication in Relationships, Parenting and Life?

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[This post is the third in a 5-part series about Connected Communication, as taught in 4 Steps to Connection, the upcoming 6 Week Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Series for Relationships and Parenting. Week 1 was on What is Connected Communication, what life feels like when you have it and what life looks like when you don’t. Week 2 was on The 4 Step NVC Process for Cultivating Connection, Compassion and Passion in Your Life and Relationships.]

NVC is a simple process that you can use again and again, a long term process of re-learning to communicate.

  • What is the one thing that gets in the way of Connected Communication?
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What gets people stuck when applying and practicing the 4 Step NVC Process?
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What leads to that helplessness, hopelessness and powerlessness we feel, cycling through the same disconnection, frustration and pain over and over?

Here’s the #1 Block to Connected Communication: Listening to what someone is saying (about you).

I know it sounds funny, but the #1 thing I think gets in the way for couples and anyone in any commu nication conflict. Listening to what someone is thinking about me instead of what they are needing is likely to get me taking responsibility for other people’s feelings and getting triggered.

If I focus on what what my partner thinks about me then I go out of my heart into defense mode. Now we are on opposing sides, and I am using my energy and effort to show I’m right…or at least how I’m not wrong.

Instead of listening to what someone is saying, listen to the needs words.

When my partner says “You never answer your phone!” I can hear his need for safety. He wants to know where I am. Or maybe it’s a need for order because he is concerned about the timing of errands. His need for safety gets triggered when we get lost. His has a big need for and trigger around safety.

So now, from going through the 4 Step NVC Process internally, we both know that he has this need for safety. And that makes it easier for me to meet his needs and find solutions that get my needs met as well.

If I understand his need for safety, I am likely to answer my phone. If he tells me, “You never answer your phone” I’m probably going to be less committed to answering my phone. This is how we perpetuate the story and ….

NVC helps us hear the needs behind the anger, hurt, fear and sadness.

http://www.dreamstime.com/stock-photos-cheerful-caucasian-couple-walking-outdoors-hand-hand-image33552703

Find closeness, even in through the hard moments in life.

From this place of empathy, compassion and connection flow with more ease. Couples can then communicate when they have been set off or set apart by the normal struggles life puts in our path. Couples can share the hard feelings inside and move forward with a clearer understanding of needs.

Once those needs are clear, together you can find that nurturing connection, trust and understanding.

It means being willing to get beyond what someone is saying and doing and seeing the feelings and needs behind the words. To get to that compassionate place where solutions arise.

Close, compassionate, connected.

[Up Next: Part 3 of 5: “If You Only Do This 1 Thing for Your Relationship, Your Parenting, Your Self…”] 

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