What to Do with Anger and Angry Feelings

Posted June 26, 2014

There has been much healthy talk about anger and angry feelings with various 1-on-1 folks, with women in the Nurturing You Circle, and in my personal life.

Angry feelings in children, in adults, in our partners, in ourselves…

When I was in my 20s, I used to believe I never got angry. NEVER. Can you imagine?! Ahhh, sometimes I laugh at the confidence with which I believed that.

Now, almost 2 decades later, I know more about myself, about anger, about the depth of life and love…

Here are some things I’ve learned about What to Do with Anger and Angry Feelings:

I now work to acknowledge anger — mine and other people’s.

One thing that comes up clearly again and again with women and men I work with and in myself and family is that anger is not acceptable nor allowed.

We shut down anger in children. We shut down when our partners express anger. We shut off from our selves, disconnected, when we feel angry.

I now know that I certainly feel anger. I experienced the expression of my anger in the safety of my partnership. I witnessed, just as with my children, when I am safe — when I feel safe — I offload and release stuck feelings. (This is why I love the Hand in Hand approach and brain science behind their practices — applies to children and adults easily!)

When we were little, most of us were expressly told through words and behavior from those we loved and whose care we depended upon that anger was in the “not to be taken out” category. There was never a good time to express anger (especially out in public or with another child), no chance to explore anger nor were many of us shown healthy ways of expressing our anger.

Some of us experienced an association with anger and physical danger and harm. For me, unraveling anger from fear has been trickier than my 20 year old self would have acknowledged or understood.

I have needed to slowly allow myself to authentically experience my inner world to get to the point where I can acknowledge my anger and my fear of anger.

I use Nonviolent Communication (NVC) to trace back from my feelings to the deeper needs I have.

Nonviolent Communication (NVC ) for me (and my relationship, and my family and everyone I work with): Anger is a red flag that there are important needs going unmet, that the fuel tank is empty, that the story I am telling is bringing me pain. From that place I shift my focus to ME, shift my story to align with my values and intention.

When I feel anger or someone around me does and I can name it, I can begin to use the 4-Step NVC Process to explore the underlying feelings and needs.

Generally, beneath anger there is fear or sadness. The needs vary from safety, security and protection to contribution, connection and partnership and beyond. And I have found a deep trust and true sense of love grows the more vulnerable (and courageous) I get with expressing my needs and asking for help (making a clear request in NVC).

Aaaand I make plenty of mistakes along the way. This is not about perfection. This is about presence.

(Below, you can get my free download of 3 NVC Resources to get you started with the principles and 4-Step NVC Process — my Communication Quick Guide.)

I own my story and watch my words, both inside my head and coming out of my mouth.

Focusing my thoughts with intention, “telling my own story” as I like to say, is a huge part of mindfulness and Mindful Self Care for me. Mindfulness and Mindful Self Care do not come naturally to me. They are things that take effort and intention on my part.

I was recently preparing for an upcoming interview on July 4 with Melanie St. Ours of Psyche and Soma who is a gift to people seeking herbal and food guidance for health. “Training” was a word she used for the “workout pages” of my upcoming book. (Next week, I’ll be sharing a free Sneak Peek of my book. So excited!) Another person used the same word so I have been thinking it through after an initial surprise at the word.

I recently did some work on “owning your own story” during the in person Nurturing You Circle with some committed women. I am feeling more persuaded that maybe all my taught of “re-training your brain” and “forming new patters and rhythms” in your mind, heart and body actually quite accurately describes what is happening.

When I am seeing and hearing each woman who changes her story and change her life, I find less evidence to deny the power of this rich little tidbit of Mindful Self Care.

I make it visible.

For me, if it isn’t in my face, I probably won’t remember. I keep my monthly vision boards up for the month or duration of the vision. (One’s been up for two years and my book is on it.) This works with reminders, too.

This is the poster I made with my 4 and 2 yo of what we can do with our angry feelings. You can see that I wrote and drew outlines and they colored in. I had some ideas (breathe and stomp) and my daughter had some ideas (under the blankets, smack a pillow). Turns out I use stomp and smack a pillow and she uses breathe more than anything else.

That first suggestion is from my 4 yo after seeing Mr. Rogers talk about “What do you do with the mad that you feel. (Video below.)

“I am safe in my anger. I am safe to feel anger.”

What I love about what Mr. Rogers does in the video below is that he makes it acceptable and safe to have anger. And that is precisely what kept coming up in the Nurturing You Circle, in my 1-on-1 sessions and in talking with my partner/co-parent.

  ”I am safe in my anger.”  

This is not something many of us currently feel, think or believe, or have felt and experienced from a young age. Some of us grew up in homes where anger was not consistently physically, emotionally, mentally safe.

Right now, this feels important to communicate to my children. This means that I live this for myself.

And today, having lived beyond my 20 year old understanding and experience and belief around anger…

I dive deeper and deeper and fly more and more free from the fear of anger. I live with a vast joy I never before experienced.   I truly feel love. I feel loved.

And I find all this safety and ownership, awareness and acknowledgement lead to a “softening” as one mama I work with described it this week. A forgiveness, a flexibility, a strength and confidence (and courage) in yielding to the safety.

A powerful place to live from…

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A sneak peek download of intro pages and first chapter (including guided meditation) coming July 4!

If you want to get updates on the Sneak Peek and release of Nurturing You: A Mindful Self Care Guide for Women or get Mindful Self Care and NVC tips for cultivating a thriving life and you, sign up for my my biweekly email “Love Letters” to A Living Family.

Click here to get on my email list. You will also get your free bonus Communication Quick Guide with NVC resources!

P.S. The 6 Week NVC Series “4 Steps to Connection” starts July 22! (If you want to get in on the limited time discounted pricing…)

Mr. Rogers: “The Mad That You Feel”

(Click to watch, and sing along if you know the song.)