Talking with Young Children about Feelings: Encouraging Self-Advocacy

When I first became a tandem nurturer, a mother of two, I wrote this post about talking with a toddler about feelings.

I ended that post saying:

I guess only time will tell what the impact of our feelings talk will be…

Well, today, just over a year later, I had this conversation with my now 3 yo that leads me to consider that the impact of our feelings talks when she was 2 are that I am now ready to encourage her to advocate for herself when it comes to her parents and other caregivers.

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Mama, what does it mean when daddy tells me to stop having my feelings?

You mean, why is he saying that?

It’s ok to have feelings. It ok to get our feelings out.

How does it feel when daddy or I say “It’s ok to get your feelings out” and then we say “Stop getting your feelings out!” (Or some kind of reaction that implies that)

Well….hmm…[long silent pause with lots of think-y looks]…It’s kind of a …. um… uncertain?

You feel uncertain?

Yes. …. What does uncertain mean?

Uncertain means that you are not sure.

And when you are feeling uncertain …. then… the feeling inside is sad.

So, when you are getting your feelings out and mama or daddy says “Stop getting your feelings out” you feel uncertain and confused “Is it ok for me to get my feelings out or is it not ok to get my feelings out?” and then you feel sad.

Yes. Look at my face. server hosting ip Is this a sad face?

[Spends some time working on making a sad face.]

So you feel uncertain when we say that and you feel sad.

Yes. Mama, can we pretend you tell me to stop getting my feelings out and I will pretend uncertain and then I will feel sad?

“Stop getting your feelings out.”

“Mama, I am feeling uncertain. I am wondering am I allowed to get my feelings out or not?”

Well, I know it’s confusing when I say “It’s ok to have feelings” and then I say “Stop having feelings.” I feel sad when you say you’re uncertain because I want to hear your feelings. Sometimes I feel frustrated when I hear your feelings because I don’t know how to help, I feel helpless.

Well, mama. You know what helps when people are sad? 

What?

If you say, [said in a caring voice with head off to one side] “It’s ok. … What’s the matter?” …. Remember that time I woke up in the middle of the night and I heard a scary noise and I wasn’t sure if it was “Munshters” so I got up and was crying and I came and found you?

….

Later, putting her to bed reading her Winnie the Pooh while getting baby to sleep in the sling, she asked when daddy was getting home from playing music. I took the opportunity to mention:

Tomorrow would you like to talk to daddy about your feelings coming out?

Yes. I will tell him, “Daddy, I am feeling uncertain. Am I allowed to get my feelings out or not?”

And what do you think daddy might say?

He will say, …“I love you. I feel sad when I speak to you unkindly.”

….

And with that, “Rabbit….and the Hundred Acre Wood….”