NVC Moment: Saying YES to Our Feelings

Today at the Sandbox…

Pouring sand on heads.

Throwing sand in faces.

Friends hitting friends.

Having a “Mine!” fight with pushing and shouting in faces.

Dropping food in sand and crying about sand in the mouth.

Typical play for children 1.5 to 4 yrs old? Well, with all the sand in the eyes and down the pants and in the ears and hair and everywhere, things were escalating with my two children. They were getting tired and hungry and playing more roughly.

I was feeling frustrated, angry, annoyed, and agitated at all the “aggressive” behavior and the “constant” call for safety — my own feelings escalating.

Yet…

Was I saying any of this? Did I share any of these feelings as they built up?

No.

I said things like “Stop it” and “Don’t do that.” (And didn’t I get my hackles up when my mom said “That’s not nice” this week when my kids were hitting each other?)

Yes, these things express that I want these actions and behaviors to stop, but consider, what do you do/say/feel when you are doing something you are super into at the moment and someone says “Don’t do that?” Are you going to stop? Are you going to like it?

Does that kind of communication feel clear and connected?

Well, I “didn’t care.” I was feeling agitated. I finally found my words enough to say with an annoyed tone “I don’t want to have sand in people’s faces and on heads. Are you willing to keep the sand off of each other or do we need to go to the other part of the playground where there is not sand?”

Did it help? Sort of, maybe? But did it feel good or in alignment with what I would like and who I wish to be? No.

How I would have liked to have handled The Sandbox:

[3.5 yo pouring sand on 1.5 yo’s head after all these other things have happened]

I feel frustrated and agitated when you pour sand on his head and you and he hit and throw sand at each other. I need to keep you both safe. I worry when get sand in your eyes and hit each other after I have asked you to keep the sand off of each other. I need trust that you are both able to play here safely. Are you willing to play in the sandbox and keep the sand off of each other or do you prefer to go to the other side of the playground?

Yes, it is longer to express what I am feeling and needing in NVC (Nonviolent Communication) when I say “Stop,” “Don’t” and “No.”

Yes it takes effort for me to shut my mouth and time for me to do some necessary self talk.

Still, it is much more expressive of what I am feeling and needing and is more of an invitation to connect than the expectation of obedience I was putting forth with my silence and curt words and tone.

My children are not mind readers, nor is the territory of my heart a clear picture from the outside (or even from the inside).

If we are seeking clarity, connection and compassion in our relationships and in our parenting, we need to move into fluidity with our feelings. Being able to identify, acknowledge and share our feelings without attachment to a person or their character is one of the most powerful shifts towards connection in communication. Sharing with my children how I am feeling strengthens understanding and trust between us.

Feelings are fleeting and ever shifting.

Being able to capture our feelings and acknowledge them helps us to let them go rather than storing them in our body, hearts and minds only to come up over and over. Who knows what would have happened if I had started from the very beginning of The Sandbox Story to share my feelings and needs openly with my children rather than dipping in for a quick call for obedience? I am guessing the more I connect with them at this young age around my feelings, the more ok I will feel about their feelings. (And hopefully as they grow they will easily and effortlessly express their feelings with me.)

The main thing I realized today was that sharing my hard feelings when they come is key to keeping them from getting in the way of connection and compassion with my children and in any relationship.

Note Taken.

*****

RESOURCES:

• How Can I Get My Child to Listen and Cooperate?
• Should Parents Share Feelings with Their Kids?
• Getting Unstuck: Using Nonviolent Communication (NVC) to Nurture Connection
• A Living Family NVC Community on Facebook
• Get a heads up when the next Online Intro of the 4-Step NVC Process is happening.