Illogical Consequences: How Do I Say Sorry in NVC?

In the middle of making burning hot dosas, my daughter, frustrated about shredding cheese (or life?) took off diaper and threw it on the kitchen floor.

“Your diaper goes in the trash. Can you please pick up your diaper and put it in the trash?”

No. I want a dosa.

Who knows why I chose this moment to speak my mind, but out of my mouth came the strangest words and I heard myself say, as if apart from myself…

“Your dosa will be ready when you are ready to pick up your diaper and put it in the trash.”

As soon as I said it, I wished I had taken a moment longer to breathe, reflect and connect.

She climbed down quickly and ran her diaper over.

I made another choice this time, the choice to connect.

“I feel confused.”

“Your diaper doesn’t have anything to do with your wanting to eat a dosa. I worried that you wouldn’t throw your diaper away, so I said you couldn’t have your dosa till you did. I feel sad that I made that mistake.”

She immediately grabbed my gaze and looked into my eyes.

“I don’t see any tears.”

“Sometimes I am sad with tears and sometimes I am sad without tears.”

I repeated how I was sad that I made a mistake and said she couldn’t have her dosa because I worried she wouldn’t pick up her diaper.

I asked my 3 yo…

“How did you feel when I said you couldn’t have your dosa until you threw away your diaper?”

“I felt unhappy.”

“And how do you feel hearing me say I feel sad that I made that mistake?”

“I feel loved.”

“I feel love for you, too.”

[HUG, connection, joy…]

“Mama, I make a mistake when I touch Madhava’s nose. Madhava, I won’t do that anymore. I will respect your space.”

“What are you feeling in your body when you touch his nose?

“I feel angry.”

“Hmm. You feel angry and then you touch Madhava’s nose. I wonder what you might do instead of touching his nose when you are feeling angry…”

[Runs off to the potty and sings for a while. Later, not much later, she touches his nose. I reviewed our conversation where we had left off.]

“I wonder what you can do if you are feeling angry or frustrated that can respect Madhava’s space.”

“I can calm down.”

“What will help you calm down?”

“I can take a deep breath.”

[She breathes. I breathe. We go back to cooking, in connected silence.]

….

“I love you, mama….”

****

RESOURCES

• A Living Family NVC Community (closed group on Facebook)
• NVC (Nonviolent Communication): Intro to the Basics — a workshop you can connect to online or by phone (May 17 @ 5:30 pm EST)
• Nonviolent Communication (NVC) blog posts
• What is NVC?