Getting Unstuck: Using Nonviolent Communication (NVC) to Nurture Connection

After an early wake up of the household by a screaming baby, (Why? “No good reason.”) I eventually found this, from Our Muddy Boots that spoke to something on my mind for some time now…

“For those whose baby/child is crying tonight, won’t leave you alone and you have other children to care for and housework to do: this message is for you ♥

It can become overwhelming quickly when our baby or child won’t stop crying- especially when there is other stuff “to be done”. We can quickly resent our child- and maybe even think of punishing them- some may even reach the point of wanting to physically punish (smack, spank).

Our society does not support us in our parenting. We are led to believe that our babies should be independent at very young ages, that they should no longer need us. But they do need us- our babies and our children.

They cannot manipulate us- they do not possess glutamate which is necessary for this sort of thought process. Ignoring them will not teach them the things we want them to know and hitting them will teach them all the things we don’t want them to know.

I am learning that when things get especially hairy in my house, finding a way to stay connected changes everything. Maybe I stop what I am doing for a little while to snuggle or play, or pop Sydney into a carrier on my side.

I wish I had understood earlier on how choosing this connection over frustration would strengthen our relationship and make family life smoother. I wish I had known that it would not only make my child happier and more secure, but would actually make life easier.”

My daughter decided my dog needed some spoon cuddles to help her heal herself.

This was hitting home for me, thinking about these last weeks (months?) of teething, growth spurts in both kids, illness all around, my dying dog, and stuck inside kind of weather for days and days. I find myself running low on empathy (for myself, which leads to less for everyone else). In these moments, I feel the biggest battles with my wiring from past experiences. The “shoulds” and “need tos” around cooking and cleaning, the needs and feelings of my older child, the screams and tears of my younger child expressing his needs and feelings. The two children screaming and needing to be held at the same time with burning pot on the stove after discovering that the dog just peed in her bed again…STOP!

BREATHE…..

I work hard to give myself permission to connect — with myself, with my children. It does feel hard to make that choice. Despite my conscious call for compassion, my wiring urges me to plow ahead, “Forget everything — your children, yourself — Do This Now!” Having felt railroaded in the past (and not liking the feeling), I feel extra sad when I am unable to stop myself from doing that to my kids. Sometimes the sadness turns to guilt about being a “bad mother” and I feel even more disconnected which leads me farther into my stuck place, farther away from my children, my partner…STOP!

BREEEATHE….

I guide myself toward connection. I acknowledge my sadness. I acknowledge my frustration, my overwhelm, my anger, my hurt. I acknowledge my need for peace, for quiet, for support, for connection….for connection. I stop.

BREEEEEATHE….

I see myself anew. I see my children anew. I see my partner anew. I find my way to compassion. Connection. Expression.

No longer stuck in violent pain, mind and tongue lashing out against self or others, I use Nonviolent Communication to give myself some empathy and I find empathy for my children, for my partner.

CONNECTION.

Together, slowly but surely, my family and I move towards a new way of living and loving.